Late night conversations.

While I sat here late at night of the 7th, silence creeped through out the house. I could feel the haunt of a past lingering in the air. So many memories, so many thoughts tried to work their way back into my inner self, but I fought them off, I kept them away, determination to get back to me had taken over. I wanted to not speak with a person, I wanted not to be reminded of the obstacles I face. While my small toes curled under the blankets and warmth had finally reached my nerves, that's when your name appeared on this computer screen.


I received an apology, an explanation, and an "I miss you", but it's not enough. When I said I hold no resentment towards you I meant it, I feel nothing but love for you, and I am ever so grateful that you were ever in my life. You had taught me so much, given me light when I was over taken by darkness, but the more I think of it, the more I realize I could never forgive you with my whole heart. I will never look to you the same again, and I will never feel for you the way I once did. 


Amazing men backed by poor decisions are not what I want to associate myself with, I do not want to give you any more of me. I could never forget you my baby-roo, and you will always drift in and out of my thoughts. I may speak with you from time to time, just to make sure you're doing well as I want nothing less for you; but it will never be the same. No more 2 am phone calls, no more drunken affection, none of it. For that I'm sorry, for it all, I'm sorry. I know this will not effect you too strongly and perhaps that brings me peace.

I only could hope we both find happiness, but sadly neither one of us will reach said happiness with the other in our life.

For the last time ever, I love who you are.

I was wrong.

I ended up going to see Grandpa Bob this weekend, spent all Saturday and today in Edmonton. I was wrong, so wrong. Seeing him, holding him, speaking with him, and listening to him was so... heart breaking. I'm broken hearted for that man, for grandma Carol, for all my unrelated family, I ache for them. 

At one point he looked to grandma and I speaking four earth shattering words; "I can't believe this." then he softly drifted back to an uncontrolled slumber. I saw the strongest woman I have ever known fall to pieces, and as I sat beside her, holding her hand, and pressing soft short kisses to her shoulder, I felt a small bit of myself die.

This is my family, I may have been out of touch for years upon years, but they are mine. 
I love them all so dearly.
I was reminded of how much they all mean to me over the course of two days.



I didn't want to leave, how could I of left?

What am I doing here?