'I tell you everything that is really nothing, and nothing of what is everything, do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am not saying.'
-Charles C. Finn

Friday, 29 April 2011

Somewhere with you

We fight, we make up, we drift, we're pulled back together.
There's some sort of draw between the two of us.
Two different books, two different paths, two different lives, two polar opposites
yet something always brings us back. 
You're a person of sorts.
A sweetheart, a jackass
An intellectual, a nutjob
A dark storm cloud, the only ray of light
A source of inspiration, a distraction
To sum it up you're the most brilliant person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.
I don't know where I would be to this day with out you.
Thank you.

Thursday, 28 April 2011

What the hell.

Its snowing, again, its April 28th, and its snowing. 

Really?

Why? 

Fuck you. 

I'm miserable.

I'm watching Cars for the second time today and it's only 10:33am, I really wish Marx would move onto his next movie obsession, Lighting Mc Queen is a jack ass. Justin, The kids father was here last weekend for their birthday, and well, it went well, we worked out a new custody agreements, and he's actually put in an effort to talk to them everyday. Hopefully it sticks, maybe if he keeps up with being a part of their lives I'll eventually hate him less. 

What else... oh... the kids got spoiled rotten for their birthdays, it was ridiculous, although of course my gifts are the favourite. I got Marx a Tricycle (to bad the weather is such shit in this stupid country that he'll never be able to ride it.) and I got Leeaura an indoor play tent so she can escape her brother! yay! 

I'm still miserable.

I hate blogging when I'm this pissed off. 


Monday, 25 April 2011

Manchester Orchestra

Yet another amazing band that I feel the need to share with you.
They're an indie rock band from Atlanta, Georgia, and yes it seems all amazing things come to me from this city.
This song in-particular is my favourite by them, the video is dangerously creative, and the lyrics are something I think nearly everyone has felt at one point in time. 
After all that's what makes a delicious song isn't it? 

Sunday, 24 April 2011

Favourite Sunday Post Secret.

"I revel in the idea that one day I will disappear and no one will know where I have gone."



Enough said...

Friday, 22 April 2011

What is the attraction

Every person finds themselves attracted to different personality traits, different physical characteristics, and different bits of experience. 


This means when people ask me "What do men want?" or "How can I get her to be more into me?" I have no real answer. 


Men are easy, if they get to eat, sleep, and get some pussy on the side they are mainly content creatures. Of course there are extras, such as...
You need to shut the fuck up and listen to what they have to say. 
You need to be (or at least pretend to be) interested in what they say.
Ask for help even if you don't need it (Nature wins over nurture in this case)
Give space for guy time or private time.
Be sure to have your own ambitions/life.
Be there when they need you.
Tolerate their interests.


Seems simple enough to me, it's not rocket science. I don't understand why so many women can't figure out how to maintain a relationship, or why they can't figure out why they send men running in the other direction. 


As far as women go they are a bit more complicated, yet the list seems shorter. They need attention, affection, and respect. 


Once again you should listen to what they have to say, listen to them bitch and moan about things that seem pathetic to you. Offer your advise to prove you have been listening, absorbing, and contemplating along side them. 
You need to offer reminders of how much you love their physical and intellectual features. A light finger trailing across the sneak peek of flesh that makes an appearance along the small of her back, just above her jeans with a soft moan close to her ear is enough. 
Respect her body although being fucked like a toy can be fun from time to time, a good passionate romp shows that she means more to you than just a quick ram. Respect her dreams by helping her push forward, see other sides, offer different options, or words of encouragement. Respect her life by giving her space, and trusting in her.


Each gender should obviously put forth an effort in their appearances, but every individual finds separate things sexy. One woman may love your beer belly, one man may love your thick thighs or broad shoulders. The best advise that can be given when it come to the physical is to say "Fuck what everyone else thinks, strive to be who you wish to be."  If you can find happiness with yourself, within yourself, then you deserve someone who cares for you the way you care for yourself. Why bother trying to fit into someone else's sex appeal if you don't fit into your own.


Ladies and Gentlemen, there are the keys to the opposite sex.
Now please shut the hell up.

Thursday, 21 April 2011

Long weekend upper tune.

you let me violate you

you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you
you let me complicate you

help me
i broke apart my insides
help me
i've got no soul to sell
help me
the only thing that works for me
help me get away from myself

i want to fuck you like an animal
i want to feel you from the inside
i want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god

You can have my isolation
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything

help me
tear down my reason
help me
it's your sex i can smell
help me
you make me perfect
help me 
think of somebody else

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Night Goblins

Night Goblins

N i G h T g O b L i N s
n I g H t G o B l I n S

I'm sorry

N        i             g            h             t
G     o       b        l          i          n    s

What the fuck did I do?

Sunday, 17 April 2011

Favourite Sunday Post Secret.


I've felt this way before, and I ended up leaving him.
I know many people who are married or in a committed relationship that hate each other.
I'd rather be alone than lie to myself. 
I wonder how many others out there can't stand their significant other.

Saturday, 16 April 2011

Dream

I thought maybe I should take the time to speak of the dream I had last night, as it has stuck with me through the entire morning and I keep going back to thinking of it, trying to figure out why it disturbed me so. I'll try to tell it as close to what it was. Please be aware that two of the people in this dream are Characters from my old RolePlaying website. www.Rolepages.com (Vice Rosetta and Gazelle Kiley.)

We all awoke in a darkened room and as I began to rub at my eyes I saw the others. We all laid there sweating and slowly coming to our senses. When I open my mouth to speak no words would come out, no questions could be asked, and no pleas of help could be released. Barleys seconds past as we all attempted to communicate with one another, then a sliding steel door opened up ways. A stream of dim light peeled through the darkness, lighting up the face that I now embodied. 

A woman who sat beside me caressed my thigh with her own delicate white hand, this woman had dark waving hair and even with her face smeared in black and glistening with wetness her beauty shone through. This woman of black, pure black eyes pulled me to my feet, her fingers intertwining themselves with my own, and the enchanting lady known as Gazelle Kiley pulled me forward. 

We moved with a need of urgency, it was if she knew something I didn't, as if she could feel what lay before us, as if she knew I would need her to make it out of here. The others darted after us but soon we all split, went our separate ways in the twisting of curves and the lefts or rights. 

My feet moved as quickly as I could possibly let them land, and with every foot fall red slick muddied dirt made a sickening splat, spraying the shadows in a rusted unseen shade. The lean form of Gazelle moved with precision, she didn't stop to think of which way to turn, or which tunnel to dart through. While others moved towards the light she and I pushed forward in the shadows. 

every trip every fumble I encountered her hard strong arms we're there to catch me, pull me back up, and drag me fourth. 

Without notice a sudden cackle of unknown depths echoed around us, and long hot licking flames engulfed the walls around us, they moved with knowledge, the launched themselves at Miss. Killey. With terror beating through my veins, and the silence sinking in, I stood, I watched this woman burn, and there was nothing I could possibly do. They died out eventually and my dark angel lay nearly motionless on the ground. 

-Time lapse as I don't remember what happened after this part.-

The sound of dragging followed the thudding and splashing of by steel toed boots. Looking down to my arms was the charred and boiled body of my savior; I couldn't have left her behind. She was still alive, useless, but alive. 

Every bit of strength I had within me was used to pull her forward; there was a banging on a wall just behind us, nails dragging, and the dangling of what I would have assumed to be change. Glancing behind me I could make out the face of a male dark enough to blend into the shadows that had stalked me throughout this journey. My head snapping forward I saw a radiating glow coming from a hole barley big enough to fit through. 

I ran with everything I had, now dragging Gaz by her wrist behind me, I didn't look back again but I could hear this male chasing after us. 

Diving head first into this small opening in the wall I continued to pull at the limp woman, tugging, heaving, then a sickening rip, pop, snap, and detaching flesh was heard. Her arm came lose, came right off, the flaccid limb held tightly in my grip. I couldn't bring myself to let go but my eyes began to instantly pour out the salty watering. What had I done? 

-more time lapse of what I would assume to be crawling through this opening, Gazelle gone, and that male more than likely trying to free her from the hole in order to continue on. I would also assume that I made it out of the tunnel and scurried out the door way as quickly as possible.-

The breath of fresh air filled my lungs, the cool breeze hit every nerve in every right way in a shock of relief, my body was leaned against the outer wall as I took it all in. For reasons unknown I still held Gazelle's disfigured arm.

Then I the first squeal of laughter ripped through my peace, another, and then another. It sounded as if a pack of hyenas where standing right atop of me. Slowly raising my head to look, I was right, a dozen of masked humans paced with riffles in hand... waiting.

Going back into the building I once considered my tomb I looked around in panic, I was unarmed (pun intend) and alone. Dropping to my knees I began to dig through the mud, searching, seeking, and finding a clip... then a sweet little handgun. It may have not been much but it was better than nothing. Piecing it together I inhaled deeply for the last time in this room and darted out into the night. 

Plastic coverings of sheep masks taunted me while they danced in excitement. I pulled the trigger once, twice, hitting one, then the others fired with vengeance. Being a dream of course I made it out with no wounds, no pain, and Gazelle’s arms still locked in my grip. 

Running with no direction, no sight, no feeling I came to what looked to be a paused inclined conveyer belt. On both sides were a high plastic slab, and of course I must take this route. 

Placing my first foot on the belt it began to move, to push me off. Running forward with more effort than it should take I came to the top of the 'hill'. When reaching the peak I was greeted my mutilated beings, some were missing heads; others had chucks missing from their faces. Black oozing blood poured from each once, sticky and thick. 

Before I knew it I was surrounded by chomping mouths and ripping nails.

-at this point Marx had woken up, I could hear him calling for me and I awoke from this... dream of sorts.-


I would have gone into better detail with this and made it longer, but I'm off to go get the kids shots done, and then go to work, so I'm sort on time. Maybe one of these days I'll come back and edit it, but in the mean time I just wanted to get it out before I forgot it all.

Friday, 15 April 2011

Damien Rice

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate









Thursday, 14 April 2011

Late night rambling.

You're drunk
I'm sober.
Yet tonight we've met in the middle.


I can't help but wonder if you're sitting there thinking of what regrets you hold.
Every small decision you wish you could take back, in ever aspect and stage of your life.
My curiosity strikes and I want to know if you want to change yourself.

I can picture you sitting there, sucking back your vodka, staring at the screen. Perhaps you are laughing along with others, perhaps you are just staring with blank heavy bagged eyes. Are those eyes green, or are they brown right now? I can picture your room, the mirrors that reflect your corner tucked bed, the basket of laundry, a messy shelving stand of some sort. I shouldn't remember these things, nor do I know why I'm placing them out in the open on here. Maybe I'll just delete this when I'm done typing, when my fingers decide to stop spazzing out over the key board. 

(Might I mention that my "O" button is being a bitch and I have to hit it twice as hard some time multiple times for it to work. Stupid P.O.S notebook.) 

You know awhile ago, if you would have asked me, I would have told you of pain and even grief, but now, I would tell you of calamity and acceptance. It feels nice for once in our knowing of one another to not try. I'm not trying to be better than I am, I'm not trying to keep up with you, I'm not trying to impress, or delight, or sooth, or care. 

I'm simply just at ease with what things are, what lines have been traced, and I'm getting rather cosy on my side of that thick black separation of chalk. I wont try to wash it away, nor will I try to sneak over it. I am pulling up my bean bag chair, some blankets, an endless supply of coffee, and an empty mind. 

You are who you are, I am who I am, there are issues, there are a lot of issues, but I'm okay with it. I'm okay with what I hold against you, it will never dissipate, but I will not let it control me. You're too 'special' to walk away from. I wont be what I was, I wont feel what I felt, but I'll still be around when you need a distraction, or you just need to talk to someone who now trusts you as much as you trust them. 

Sweet Dreams JL.

It is April... Right?

There's a few things I've been procrastinating on posting, so here we go, one blog post 4 topics, all done in nearly cliffs notes... because I just don't have time today.


The other day
No, I don't remember which day, but it was nice enough to play out side for a few hours!




This would be my stunning son Marx Adam, who has an attitude the size of Texas, I have no idea where he gets it from.















Coffee run, I think Marx was more excited than I was for our morning Tims.


Have you noticed ALL the snow on my lawn is gone?
It's almost all gone across the street?

I couldn't have been happier this morning!


The funeral
No. I didn't take pictures at or after the service due to respect factors, but I have a few from the drive out there, and I video of how ugly Alberta is, but I won't bore you with that. The service was very sweet and personal, set in a small church with an amazing pastor. There was a small tribute section which I think is what really got to me. He was so loved by so many people, the church was packed, some had to stand out in the lobby due to not enough seating in the main room (Is that what it would even be called?) anyway it was as nice as a funeral really can be I suppose. 




 


Morning Tims,
severely needed
for the long day ahead.








The rose I was 
given from atop
of Grandpas Casket.








Yesterday.
I kept the kids home from daycare, both of them aren't feeling well.
I have to admit the quality time with them is nice, they're home today also.
 This would be my daughter Leeaura Catherine, all cuddled 
up on the couch with her Ele, Magazine, and blankie


This morning.
I woke up to something this morning, something to ruin my entire day... 
would you like to see?

I have only three words about this....
Fuck you Canada!

Monday, 11 April 2011

The devils tears

I have nothing to say today, so instead I'll leave behind a song that has been haunting me all day.
This band is amazing, check them out.

Sunday, 10 April 2011

Favourite sunday Post Secret.

"Trying to be a nicer person is killing who I actually am, and it makes me meaner to myself."


I find it humorous that we all think our secrets are such big deals. They are the forbidden apples that we have taken and kept to our selves, in fear that such a thing could potentially get us banished from our own garden. The funny thing is, whom ever wrote this, whom ever feels alone in this, is wrong. Here I am standing beside you with the same thoughts running through my mind daily. 
I believe in self evolution, I believe in progress, adaptation, and improvement. On this never ending road of furthering ourselves in ever which way we can, sometimes we lose sight of who we are. With time though, you discover who you really are, who you really can be, and who you were meant to be. 
Never the less, pushing yourself to hard will only create confusion.

Saturday, 9 April 2011

Never give an artist flowers...

because we destroy them for the sake of beauty. 





 














There is a quick little peek at the fastest bit of photography I have ever done. When the mood strikes I can't ignore it, yet I'm out of time.

Warrior Dash

So ladies and gentlemen, I was absent mindedly flipping through facebook the other day and I stumbled across an event called "The Warrior Dash". 
This looks absolutely amazing and I want to do it so badly! Not only do I want to do it, but I want to come in first place for the women. 
I think this is a GREAT goal to have, it should be fun, and it will give me a reason to whip my ass into better shape. With that said I'm giving myself a year to train, so to all my lovely Warriors who partake in the event, I will see you in 2012. 
Blood, sweat, mud, fire, and beer! 
Jesus the words alone get my engine roaring.

Welcome to my new obsession!

Not only are you getting an amazing challenge for yourself, meeting a ton of people who are just as potentially crazy as you are, but, there's live music, it runs over the course of two days so you get to hang out and enjoy the sun with a bunch of drunk nut jobs, and there's beer stands! This sounds like my kind of place. If fact, dare I say this, but, it almost sounds like more fun than the stampede. Oh, oh, OH! and a perfectly good excuse to mud wrestle! Jesus. Half naked women everywhere, and men! you know the more I talk of this place the more its beginning to sound like the perfect utopia. 

They are hosted all over the damn'd place, but not here in Alberta, go figures. There's one over in B.C. but  if I'm going to travel for this at all, I might as well go somewhere more interesting than British Columbia. Perhaps a trip to Texas, or Australia would add to the event for me. hmm.. lots of planning and lots of hard work ahead of me.

Friday, 8 April 2011

Late night conversations.

While I sat here late at night of the 7th, silence creeped through out the house. I could feel the haunt of a past lingering in the air. So many memories, so many thoughts tried to work their way back into my inner self, but I fought them off, I kept them away, determination to get back to me had taken over. I wanted to not speak with a person, I wanted not to be reminded of the obstacles I face. While my small toes curled under the blankets and warmth had finally reached my nerves, that's when your name appeared on this computer screen.


I received an apology, an explanation, and an "I miss you", but it's not enough. When I said I hold no resentment towards you I meant it, I feel nothing but love for you, and I am ever so grateful that you were ever in my life. You had taught me so much, given me light when I was over taken by darkness, but the more I think of it, the more I realize I could never forgive you with my whole heart. I will never look to you the same again, and I will never feel for you the way I once did. 


Amazing men backed by poor decisions are not what I want to associate myself with, I do not want to give you any more of me. I could never forget you my baby-roo, and you will always drift in and out of my thoughts. I may speak with you from time to time, just to make sure you're doing well as I want nothing less for you; but it will never be the same. No more 2 am phone calls, no more drunken affection, none of it. For that I'm sorry, for it all, I'm sorry. I know this will not effect you too strongly and perhaps that brings me peace.

I only could hope we both find happiness, but sadly neither one of us will reach said happiness with the other in our life.

For the last time ever, I love who you are.





Thursday, 7 April 2011

Twisting Stomach

Knots.
Tangles.
Twisting.
Turning.
I feel as if a war has gone off within my body, its fighting its self, its fighting for me, its trying to protect my thoughts. Let this be my out let, let speaking of it free me. I can not eat, I can not sleep, my mouth is dry no matter how much water I bring to my parted lips. I have no words, I try to speak but nothing will come out. The golden girl is seen through so many eyes, but I can not live up to the standards others have set. It seems as if this time frame will not come to an end.


This is not me, I am the one who is ecstatic about life, with yes swings of emotions that take me to different places. A temper usually is my outlet, but lately I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into the black pit I once was freed from. My freedom has left me, has left to see if I will sink or swim, and I'm not doing either, I suppose I'm floating in an endless ocean, letting the waves push and shove me along. They take me under yet some how my lungs always find air, just as they always had. I am a survivor, and that is something I have built pride upon. 


This is poorly written but to be honest I don't care, I really do not care. 
I just want to find my light again

Sunday, 3 April 2011

I was wrong.

I ended up going to see Grandpa Bob this weekend, spent all Saturday and today in Edmonton. I was wrong, so wrong. Seeing him, holding him, speaking with him, and listening to him was so... heart breaking. I'm broken hearted for that man, for grandma Carol, for all my unrelated family, I ache for them. 

At one point he looked to grandma and I speaking four earth shattering words; "I can't believe this." then he softly drifted back to an uncontrolled slumber. I saw the strongest woman I have ever known fall to pieces, and as I sat beside her, holding her hand, and pressing soft short kisses to her shoulder, I felt a small bit of myself die.

This is my family, I may have been out of touch for years upon years, but they are mine. 
I love them all so dearly.
I was reminded of how much they all mean to me over the course of two days.



I didn't want to leave, how could I of left?

What am I doing here?


Friday, 1 April 2011

The lights will go out soon

When I came home this morning from my meeting at SAIT I saw a new message blinking on my answering machine. As I took my coat off and carefully folded it over my arm, I reached to hit play just as anyone else would. I walked away from the machine as it played the message, and the voice I heard was familiar, a voice that took me back to my youth, but the message I received was one to remind me of age. My beloved great grandpa Bob is in the hospital, and they are expecting him to pass this night. I have not seen this man in years, I have not spoken with him in far too long, his religious ramblings began to give me a complex as I grew older. Now all I wish is that I would have visited more, Sat with him, Listened to what he had to say.

So here is the reminder that nothing lasts forever, no one will be with us till the end of time, and the small things you find intolerable will one day be something you miss.

Is it pathetic that I will not shed a tear? Is it pathetic that this news will not affect my daily routine, other than the words I write in this moment? It is true that death has become a common thing in my life. I have not been personally affected by a death of a loved one in years. It has become expected, but the reminder of how precious our lives are will always ring true in moments such as these. To never take a single moment for granted and to hold the ones you love close.

I truly hope your beliefs were right Grandpa Bob 
and you end up in a much better place than we are.