The skies are sheeted in black rolling clouds, wind is howling through the greens of our trees, the light brown bark looks to be as dark as the black skies heavily seeped of rain. My window is open and I can hear the falling of each drop, each splash of water hitting grass, cement, puddles, cars, roof, all of it, it echoes in the silence of this room.
So much has happened since I wrote a blog I nearly don't know where to begin.
I think I will start this entry in the same respects that got me started doing a blog at all. Another life I was blessed to know has fallen, perhaps you will now understand, when I said I am immune to death, this is why. It seems every few months I lose another person in my life, I gain so many more than I lose, which really on means I will lose more in the long run. No single life can be replaced, no presence I have ever come in contact with will ever be replaced by another. This life was one of the man who had reached the age of 90, 90 years of life, yet in the last 2 years I would not have been able to tell you of who he was that day. I could tell you stories of who he once was to me, and the way I would play with the wrinkled skin of his hand while my fourteen year old self sat on his lap like a child would on Santa. Such a man full of hope, a glistening in his eyes letting you know that he loved you; but in the final years he had grown silent, that sparkling incline of hope faded, and most days he no longer knew who he was.
Condolences are given in so many different shapes, ways, and forms... yet each of them mean nothing, they are notions of not knowing what else to say, and I hate them. I KNOW he is better off now, and I know he is looking down on my Bomma with a great sense of pride, he loves his children each and every last one of them, grand children and great grand children a like. His memory has been restored, his youthful years restored. Yeah, I get it, I've heard it all before but thank you anyway.
The house is empty, pitter patter, rain falls and all I want to do is scream out at the top of my lung, a release of some sort.
"I know that things are broken, too many things left unsaid, you say you have spoken and like the coward I am I hang my head." Liar by Mumford and sons; I'll post the video at the end of this.
One thing ended and it ended with a sour note, an off key with no sound, simply silence. Words are passed down a grape vine and I don't think you expected it to come back to me, but it did. It came back to the one person you never wanted to find out, or maybe that exactly where you wanted it to fall, right into my hands. I have so many questions with no answers, and I will never ask them, I will never speak with you on my own terms. If words are ever passed between us again it will be your doing. I will not lie and tell you that it had no effect on my mental well being because it did, but when one door closes another opens and I wasted to time staring at the door you slammed behind your exit. as the thundering sound of that door echoed down the narrow passage of my mind I followed it, left and right, then right and right again in circles, and the sound dissipated. It was swallowed by the sound of that new door opening, and out of that door I saw a new brilliant light. The light was no brighter than yours but this light hand no storm clouds surrounding it and rather than a grey tainted light, this one, it was pure white, and I have let it draw me forth.
It has illuminated my life and the path I walk on.
It is not the same.
It feels just as good though.
I wont say that I don't miss you, because, of course I do, but I can also tell you I would not give what I have now up for anything you could ever offer me. I hope you find happiness and I hope you find everything you ever wished to have, but I will not be at the finish line, I can't be.
I think that's enough for this blog, I'll do another one tomorrow to cover the other half of what is going on lately.
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